IN THE NIC OF TIME

animalstalkinginallcaps:

THIS IS A PERFECT PICNIC. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I AM GOING TO KISS A HOLE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR FACE. YOU WON’T EVEN BE ABLE TO DRINK THE RIESLING BECAUSE IT WILL POUR OUT OF THE HOLE I KISSED IN YOUR FACE. THOSE PEAR AND BRIE SANDWICHES? FALLING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR FACE HOLE. THAT YOU GOT FROM ME KISSING YOU.

WHAT ABOUT THE SHERBET?

YOU BROUGHT SHERBET! AAAAAAAAAHHHH! I GUESS YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPOON IT INTO YOUR STUMP SINCE I AM GOING TO KISS YOUR WHOLE HEAD RIGHT OFF YOUR NECK!

animalstalkinginallcaps:

HORACE, TODAY I WISH TO VIEW THE WEST GARDENS. IT LOOKS AS THOUGH THE RAINS WILL REMAIN AT BAY.

YES, QUEEN MUFFINS. AS YOU COMMAND. THE WEST GARDENS IT IS.

I ALSO WISH TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR YEARS OF KIND SERVICE, HORACE. YOU ARE A MOST VALUABLE MEMBER OF MY RETINUE.

I SERVE AT YOUR PLEASURE, MY QUEEN. YOU ARE A FAIR AND JUST RULER OF THESE FARMLANDS. 

BLESS YOU, HORACE.  YOU MAY HAVE YOUR FILL OF OATS WHEN WE RETURN.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

DO I?

DO I SMELL LIKE JÄGERMEISTER?

WELL LET ME TELL YOU, CHRIS, THAT’S SHOCKING. I’M SHOCKED TO HEAR THAT. JUST KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY, SINCE ALL WE DID LAST NIGHT WAS DRINK A REPULSIVE AMOUNT OF JÄGERMEISTER. NICE TO SEE YOU MADE IT TO A SHOWER AT SOME POINT.

I WOKE UP IN A RANDOM VOLVO WITH A SET OF HOUSEKEYS THAT AREN’T MINE UNDER MY FACE, AND WHAT IS EITHER A PRETTY IMPRESSIVE AMOUNT OF CHOCOLATE SYRUP OR A FUCKING TON OF BLOOD ALL OVER MY PANTS. 

I JUST WANT SOME WAFFLES, OKAY? NO QUESTIONS. NO JUDGEMENTS. JUST WAFFLES.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

GOOD AFTERNOON, MR. PEMBROOK. I HAVE THE INFORMATION YOU REQUESTED.

I FEARED FOR A MOMENT THAT I WOULD BE DISCOVERED WHEN MS. HOUGHTON COULDN’T FIND HER POST-IT NOTES, BUT WILLIAM TANNER FROM ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE HAS A KEY TO THE SUPPLY CLOSET, WHICH IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF YOUR WORRIES. THIS OFFICE IS CORRUPT, MR. PEMBROOK. I FEAR NO ONE IS INNOCENT. 

PETTY THEFT, PERSONAL PHONE CALLS, INTERDEPARTMENTAL AFFAIRS (OF THE SEXUAL VARIETY) … THE LIST IS ENDLESS.

AND THE I.T. DEPARTMENT, MY GOD. THAT WHOLE FLOOR OF THE BUILDING SHOULD BE SEALED OFF AND BURNED WITH ALL EMPLOYEES INSIDE.

TAKE A SEAT, MR. PEMBROOK, WHILE I ORGANIZE MY NOTES. POUR YOURSELF A DRINK IF YOU WISH. WE ARE GOING TO BE HERE FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING THAT JELLY IN THE FREEZER? KIND OF DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF HAVING A LIGHT AND TENDER TOUCH, IF YOU ASK ME.

WHOEVER INVENTED PROSTATE EXAMS IS AN ASSHOLE.

… THERE’S A JOKE IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

I COULD PROBABLY THINK OF IT IF I WASN’T TOO BUSY CRYING INSIDE.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

NO, SANDRA. YOU CAN SHIT AFTER YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOU CANCELED NETFLIX INSTANT WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST. NOT BEFORE. I WAS ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH DR. WHO.

I IMAGINE WHAT YOU’RE FEELING RIGHT NOW IS ONLY HALF AS PAINFUL AS WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH.

bunnyberries:

My day = Made Forever.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

WOW, AND HERE I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU CONSIDERED ME A LOVING COMPANION AND OCCASIONAL CONFIDANTE, A FELLOW TRAVELER ON THE ROAD OF LIFE WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE SOMEWHAT SHORTER THAN YOU. 

IT’S GOOD TO HEAR I’M JUST “AN AWESOME WAY TO PICK UP CHICKS.”

NEXT WOMAN THAT PETS ME IS GETTING BIT, JUST SO YOU KNOW. I’M ABOUT TO BE A LOT LESS “ADORABLE” AND A LOT MORE “20 POUNDS OF COCKBLOCK THAT SHITS IN THE KITCHEN.”

animalstalkinginallcaps:

I WASN’T TRYING TO BE OFFENSIVE. YOU REALLY DO GET EMOTIONAL WHEN YOU’RE ON YOUR PERIOD. YOU CRIED AT A WOOLITE COMMERCIAL EARLIER.

I DON’T GET EMOTIONAL! EVERYONE’S EMOTIONAL, YOU IDIOT! THAT’S BECAUSE WE’RE NOT ROBOTS. MAYBE I JUST GET REALLY HONEST, AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I LOVE SOFT CLOTHING MORE THAN I LOVE YOU, YOU TOTAL WANKER! THE EMOTIONS I FEEL FOR WOOLITE ARE STRONGER AND MORE PURE THAN THE EMOTIONS I FEEL FOR YOU BECAUSE WOOLITE ISN’T A SEXIST DICKHOLE WITH A RECEDING HAIRLINE! 

I’M GOING TO PRETEND THAT DIDN’T HURT MY FEELINGS AND WE CAN DISCUSS IT IN A COUPLE DAYS WHEN YOU’RE MORE RATIONAL.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU!

animalstalkinginallcaps:

I DON’T APPRECIATE THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE.

SOMEONE SHIT IN THE KITCHEN. THIS IS THE ONLY FACT WE HAVE AT THE MOMENT. LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES AND START POINTING FINGERS. 

DO EITHER OF US HAVE ANY ENEMIES? PEOPLE WE MAY HAVE ANGERED? I’M JUST SAYING, I KNOW YOU DO A LOT OF BLOGGING.